Survival for Dummies 101
by espeon16
Summary: A basic guide on how to survive life, with all your favourite D.Gray-Man characters! A series of sort-of-oneshots on the life lessons that can be learned from the daily lives of the characters of D.Gray-Man. On hiatus, check profile for further details.
1. Lesson One

This is my first DGM fanfic, so pls comment and suggest some improvements! The characters will probably seem out of character, because I'm more used to playing around with the Bleach characters.

If you could include some idioms and suggestions on how to use them in your reviews, that would be great.

Rated T for swearing.

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Lesson One: Love thy neighbour

If one walks down the many corridors of the Black Order, they will come across the training rooms. Right at the end of the line of training rooms is the ominous Training Room 7.

And if you were to ask anyone at the Order, they would all give you one piece of advice: never, never, EVER go near Room 7 at six in the morning. That's when Kanda meditates, and Lavi wakes up.

-Six in the morning, Training Room Seven-

"Oi! Baka Usagi! Turn that (insert beep here) thing DOWN!"

"What thing, Yuu?"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"Whatever."

"Turn that f***ing thing of, for goodness' sake!"

"Who's Goodness?"　

"AAARGH! Just turn that (insert another beep) song off! I'm trying to MEDITATE here!"

"Oh, you mean my alarm clock?"

"YESSSS I mean that thing that plays that vulgar music every single morning!"

"What's wrong with 'I Love You'?"

"Everything! Not to mention that it's so freaking LOUD!"

"It's not MY fault that they chucked me this room opposite Room 7!"

"It's still YOUR fault for owning such a stupid alarm clock! You're 18! Act like it!"

"Who says I don't act 18?"

"I DO! You act like you're 5!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

"DO NOT!"

"THEN EXPLAIN WHY THE THEME SONG OF A KID'S SHOW FEATURING AN OBESE T-REX IS SET AS YOU ALARM!"

On and on they would bicker. Every single day. Normally, these arguments would end with Kanda losing his temper and slashing Lavi's door, or Lavi deciding that he should take revenge on Kanda on behalf of his alarm clock, and activating his Innocence to smash through the wall or door.

Of course, all this was followed up with the menial task of repairing whatever damage they had done, which effectively took up the rest of the day.

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In case you didn't get it, 'Love thy neighbour' refers to Lavi not really caring about the fact that Kanda is meditating, and also to both Kanda and Lavi, who don't seem to care that the rest of the Balck Order may not be awake.


	2. Lesson Two

Second chapter!

Thanks you to those of you out there who reviewed!

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Lesson 2: It's a dog-eat-dog world out there

Reever Wenham, 26 years old. Not one to be described as 'cowardly'.

He didn't mind heights. In fact, he was the one who looked out the window in the office at the scenery below, even though the Order was situated above sea level. Way, way, WAY above sea level.

He didn't mind the dark either. He was one of the few in the Science Department who slept without a night light (when they actually got the chance to sleep).

He wasn't scared of spiders. He liked spiders. They made for easy-to-find, low-maintenance pets.

Small, enclosed spaces didn't bother him. Neither did the number 13. In fact, you could list every single phobia you could think of, and he would tell you that he did not suffer from any of them. You could say that he wasn't scared of anything.

Except for one person.

Right now, he was standing in front of that person's door, carrying a pile of paperwork almost taller then Allen Walker, with the rest of the Science Department behind him, currently suffering from the load of the paperwork they were carrying.

He knocked on the door.

"Supervisor Komui, please let us in."

No response, save for a happy giggle.

"Supervisor, let us in, by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin."

More giggles.

"GAH DAMMIT! Komui, LET ME IN!"

He heard a voice from within.

"Oh, my cute Lenalee, let's play some more!"

Reever cringed. Lenalee?

The girl in question was standing next to him, ready to kick her brother into action should he refuse to do his share of paperwork.

She shrugged at his questioning look.

"That isn't me."

Reever had to trust the Chinese girl on that one.

"What do you think it is this time then?"

She sighed.

"I really don't know. Nii-san is very strange when it comes to his sister complex."

"Tell me about it."

"I just hope it isn't a voodoo doll this time, or a mini-Komurin."

"Shall we barge in and see for ourselves?"

"All right."

Reever took a deep breath.

"Alright, here we go! One, two, three…CHARGE!"

Lenalee swiftly destroyed the door using her Dark Boots, and the entire Science Department ran in. (Or tried to run in. It's not easy to run while carrying a whole load of paper, y'know.)

Komui stared at the rumpus in shock. The puppy he had been playing with was cowering in his lap.

"NOOOOO! How dare you scare my precious Lenalee?"

Lenalee sweatdropped.

Reever groaned.

"Supervisor, this is your share of the paperwork. I need it finished by tonight, or else Lenalee shall lock you in here to clean up this mess with no food and water."

Komui stared at Reever in shock.

"You can't do that!"

"I can, and I will."

"Reever, you betrayed me!"

"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, Supervisor. Deal with it."

Komui gasped.

"Don't you DARE eat my precious Lenalee!"

His hold on the Pekingese tightened, and Lenalee felt a stab of pity for the puppy. Poor thing, she thought. She must be suffocating.

Reever ran a hand through his hair.

It was going to be a long day. Needless to say, the paperwork would go uncompleted, majority of the time having been wasted on trying to persuade Komui that nobody was going to eat 'Lenalee'.


	3. Lesson Three

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers!

Sorry for the long wait.

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Lesson Three: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

At the Black Order, everybody tries to avoid Kanda, unless you were the unlucky soul sent on a mission with him. He hated almost everyone, and almost everyone was too scared of him to even protest.

Allen Walker, martyr extraordinaire.

Lavi, annoying git who acted like a 5-year-old.

Krory, too naïve for his own good.

Miranda, pathetic and whiny.

And those were just the tip of the iceberg.

In fact, come to think of it, Noise Marie was probably the only one he could get along with, Jerry and Lenalee excluded. He had no choice but to get along with Lenalee, or Mister sister-complex would hound him day and night with his disgusting Komurins in tow, never giving him a moment of peace. Being civil to Jerry was self-explanatory: no Jerry, no soba. Kanda loved his soba.

So generally, people avoided Kanda.

Especially the day after he comes back from a mission.

Unless, of course, your name was Bookman Junior.

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(Black Order cafeteria, 7am)

Lavi walked into the cafeteria, trying to stifle a huge yawn.

"I'm bored…"

Allen walked behind him, a good 10 meters away. When Lavi got bored, he got sadistically violent. When Lavi was sadistically violent, it was dangerous to stay within an arm's-length (at least) from him.

So yes, Lavi was extremely bored.

The reason?

Kanda Yuu had gone on a mission.

Of course, he could have chosen to prank anybody at the Order, but Kanda had the funniest reactions. With Kanda gone, pranking lost half its fun.

Lavi sighed, and Allen mentally prepared himself for a long boring day in the library, hiding from a sadistically violent Lavi.

Then, he caught sight of a ponytail.

Kanda was back from his mission.

Oh, the irony. Saved by Kanda.

Lavi had noticed the grumpy exorcist too, and was happily bouncing towards the table where the lone samurai sat.

Allen noted Kanda's expression.

Murderous rage.

This meant that there would be a huge verbal fight, most probably followed by a physical fight, and maybe their Innocence would be activated. This almost always resulted in massive damage to anything within a 50-meter radius, and excessive mental damage to all within earshot.

Allen started to run.

Behind him, two voices started to bicker.

"YUU-CHAN!"

"DON'T call me that!"

"Aw…Yuu, so cold, so evil…"

"Shaddup."

"Yuu! I've MISSED you! The Science Department ain't fun to prank at all!"

"Che. Whatever."

"But Yuu! They set my headband on FIRE!"

"Serves you right, baka usagi."

"Ne, Yuu-chan, what did ya do on the mission?"

"None of your business."

"How many Akuma did ya kill?"

"Go away."

"Did ya meet any Noahs?"

A very loud SPLAT followed this. If a brave soul had dared to peek into the battle field at this point, they would see Lavi covered in soba, with Kanda pointing a chopstick at him, and clutching Mugen with the other hand.

"Che. Go get me more soba."

"But Yuu, you were the one who dumped it on me!"

"It's your fault for annoying me in the first place."

"But you know what they say, Yuu, absence makes the heart grow fonder!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, Yuu, you've been gone for so long on your mission, so this is a way of releasing all my pent-up energy!"

"Che. Go punch a pillow or something. I value my peace and quiet."

"But Yuu, pillows don't give stupid reactions when pranked!"

At this point, people in the vicinity noted an extreme drop in temperature. People in the town nearby looked up at the sky. It was snowing. Out of the blue. In June.

Back at the Order, Kanda was glaring at Lavi with such an intense hatred that if looks could kill, Lavi would have been pushing the daisies by now.

"Say that again."

Lavi was quaking too hard to answer, stunned by the abnormally large amount of killing intent Kanda was emitting.

"Now, get out."

Lavi, at that point, had gathered enough bravado to regain his powers of speech.

"No."

That one word was followed by pin-drop silence. In that instant, all of Lavi's remaining bravado flew out the window of the cafeteria.

Kanda drew Mugen.

"Kaichuu: Ichigen!"

Lavi screamed in pure terror and ran out of the cafeteria, trailed by a horde of ghostly insects, each on a mission: kill Lavi.

Jerry, hiding behind the kitchen counter, sighed in relief. At least the kitchen wasn't going to be blown up today.


	4. Lesson Four

Thanks again to my wonderful reviewers!

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Lesson 4: Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

The Science Department at the Black Order always comes up with strange ideas.

Of course, these were always meant to help people out. Take the hair tonic that Komui created, for example. It was for Branch Head Bak, was had been complaining about his receding hairline and balding spot for some time now. Admittedly, Komui had created the hair tonic more to stop Bak's incessant whining than anything else. But it helped. Really, it did. It wasn't their fault that Allen had fallen asleep one night while helping the Science Department pack, pushed over a pile of papers, and had ended up soaking his hair in tonic. He'd done it himself, and if it wasn't Allen's fault, it was probably the fault of Inspector Link, who had failed to rouse the sleeping boy in the first place.

Recently, they had noticed that Jerry the cook never took a break. Indeed, he tried, but the moment he began to untie his apron to take a walk outside, someone (almost always Allen) would pop in with some request or the other.

So some kind souls at the Science Department had decided to help him out.

They built a vending machine.

Now, one might ask, what's so special about a vending machine? All it does is spew out drink cans, anyways.

But the Science Department was well-known throughout the Order for creating weird things. This particular vending machine didn't just dispense drinks. It dispensed a supply of snacks, so that Jerry did not need to cook them in between mealtimes.

The machine was rather large, as it contained quite a variety of food, mostly suited to thet tastes of the Order in general, or maybe some specific people. Among many other things, it dispensed instant soba-in-a-cup (for Kanda), lemon soda (for Reever), mitarashi dango (for Allen), Blue Mountain coffee (for Komui), jam sandwiches (for Krory and Miranda), jellybeans (for anyone, really, in particular a Finder named Gozu), hot chocolate (for those non-coffee-addicts), assorted sweets and chocolates (for those in desperate need of a sugar high), and carrot sticks (for die-hard dieters).

The prices were also quite reasonable, from twenty cents for a pack of jellybeans, to two dollars for the soba-in-a-cup.

There was just one little problem.

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Somewhere in the dark twisting corridors of the Order, rather near the Science Department, a muffled thud could be heard.

This thud was followed by a soft 'Ow!'.

The voice belonged to a certain Allen Walker, and he was doing what had progressively become an integral part of daily life at the Order.

Kicking the vending machine.

Allen raised his leg, and kicked the lump of metal again. In one hand, he held his box of mitarashi dango. The other was massaging his throbbing leg. After all, if you come into contact with an especially hard surface at an incredibly high velocity several times, it's bound to hurt.

Komui had just happened to be walking by, to get a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups from the vending machine.

"Ah! Allen, don't kick the vending machine!"

Allen ignored this, and kicked the machine again, this time with his other foot.

"Allen, the machine is innocent! It didn't do anything to deserve this treatment!"

"Yes it did!"

"It did? How did it incur your wrath?"

"It won't give it to me!"

"Huh? Aren't you holding it?"

Pissed, Allen gave up on his attempts to maul the vending machine.

"Not my dango! My change!"

"Change?"

"Yes, change. It swallowed up a ten-dollar bill for a box of dango, which costs one dollar!"

"Didn't you have small change?"

"No!"

"I see."

"Whaddya mean by 'I see'? Can I activate my Crowned Clown and break open this thing?"

"No!"

"Why not? I want my change back! I can buy 9 more boxes of dango with that!"

Minutes later, a loud crash reverberated throughout the Order, followed by an anguished wail.

Evidently, Crowned Clown had been used in the assault of the vending machine. Unfortunately for Komui, he couldn't sue Allen over a vending machine, and neither was Allen going to pay him back.

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Review as always! Thank you!


	5. Lesson Five

Sorry for the long update! I've recently been visited by two of my three best-est friends in the world, namely Homework and Stress. (The other one is called Exams, by the way.) I spent a lot of time trying to send them off, so therefore not much time to update, yeah? Sorry (once again) about that.

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Lesson 5: Curiosity killed the cat.

Lavi, Allen, and Kanda were sitting on a train.

The train in question was traveling from Venice to Rome. They'd been in Venice, searching the city for traces of Innocence, but only found a lead that suggested that the Innocence was in Rome instead. So off they went, on another segment of their wild-goose chase.

Now, the train journey was four hours long. So, Lavi, with his amazing ability to be able to sit still for a grand total of five minutes, decided to play 'Twenty Questions' to pass the time.

So for about an hour or so, questions flew back and forth between Allen and Lavi.

Whether Allen was actually female in disguise. ("I am not!" he screeched angrily.)

Why Lavi wore an eyepatch. ("Secret," he replied.)

Whether Allen ever suffered indigestion from inhaling all that food. (Never.)

Whether Lavi liked Lenalee. (He declined comment.)

Whether Allen like Lenalee. (He, too, declined comment.)

Whether Lavi was a pirate-wannabe. ("Nah…but maybe I'll be a pirate for Halloween!")

On and on it went, until Lavi realized something.

Twenty Questions with just 2 people wasn't very entertaining.

So, he decided to include the other living thing in their carriage in the game as well.

"Hey, Yuu-chan, we're playing Twenty Questions! Wanna play?"

"No."

"Aw…Yuu-chan…it's no fun with only two people!"

"If you're bored go throw yourself off the train, then. I expect that it will be quite entertaining for an idiot like you."

"Aw…Yuu-chan…so cold…so mean…"

"Che. Shut up."

Shocked by the large amount of killing intent in those words, Lavi shut up.

For about five seconds.

"Yuu-chan…I'm bored~"

"Don't care."

"Yuu-chan…are you a girl in disguise?"

"No."

"But Yuu-chan…your hair looks like a girl's~"

"…"

"Yuu-chan…do you like pink?"

"…"

"Yuu-chan…are you in love with Mugen?"

"…"

"Yuu-chan…are you gay?"

That did it. Kanda Yuu could stand all insults except those which doubted his sexuality. He was a _boy_, dammit, and just because he paid no attention to girls didn't mean that he was _gay_.

That baka usagi was going to pay.

Meanwhile, Lavi, not noticing Kanda's quiet fury, was bouncing on the plush seats of the train carriage like the hyperactive bunny he was.

"Yuu-chan…answer meeeeee~"

A vein in Kanda's temple popped. He was exercising quite a bit of self-control to prevent himself from turning Bookman Junior into sashimi.

Okay, maybe not sashimi. That would be an insult to sashimi everywhere.

Then Lavi sealed his fate, by repeating the question in a sing-song voice.

"Yuu-chan, are ya gay?"

The soft but distinguishable sound of a katana being drawn from its sheath served as an adequate answer to Lavi's question.

Lavi stared at the point of the black blade, currently being pointed at his throat.

"Eh…Yuu-chan…are you tryin' ta kill me…?"

Allen, sitting on the other end of the long plush seat, as far away from the two as possible, shook his head in silent resignation.

"Here we go again."

And thus, the rest of the four-hour train trip became quite lively. For Kanda, it was merely a rage-driven attempt to annihilate the blabbering carrot-top. For Lavi, it was a life-or-death version of hide-and-seek, tag, and 'who-can climb-walls-better' all rolled into one. For Allen, it was an amusing source of entertainment. For the poor Finders with them, it would take at least ten years off their lifespan.

That would be the last time Lavi ever tried to play Twenty Questions.

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Please continue reviewing! Oh, and do go vote on my poll, if you haven't done so! Thanks!


	6. Lesson Six

Sorry for the long wait!

Credits for this idea go to **Kiarra-chan**, the first one so far to actually contribute suggestions! Thank you!

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Lesson 6: 'Free Hug' signs attract lots of attention.

Lavi bounced into the Science Department.

"Reever~I'm bored!"

"Go away."

"I have nothing to doooo!"

Reever sniffed haughtily.

"Well, we have _paperwork_ to do, so if you don't mind, please scram, or Johnny may end up setting your headband on fire again."

Lavi pouted.

"Nobody's paying me attention! It's really boring!"

Reever raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, so it's _attention_ you want? Well, there was a study recently about wearing 'Free Hug' signs. Apparently, some people wore 'Free Hug' signs for the study, and went out onto the main shopping streets. They got a lot of attention, and even made it onto the news. However-"

Lavi cut him off.

"'Free Hug' signs will attract attention, eh? Just what I need! Thanks, Reever!"

Lavi dashed off, leaving a huge dust cloud behind him.

Johnny rubbed his eyes to clear the dust.

"Eh…was it such a good idea to tell him about _that_ study?"

Reever grinned.

"Don't worry. I bet he'll never whine about attention again."

oOoOo

The next day, after spending the whole of the previous afternoon sitting in his room, cutting up paper and cardboard, Lavi strolled into the cafeteria, a huge grin on his face.

He wore two white boards, fastened to his body, rather like a sandwich. On both the front and back, emblazoned in pink-and-purple paint, were the words 'FREE HUGS HERE".

Everyone in the cafeteria stared at him.

"All right, everyone! Line up and get your free hugs from the amazing Lavi!"

Silence. Everyone was staring, most with raised eyebrows. After a moment, they turned back to their breakfasts.

Lavi scowled. Attention? Yeah, right. He was going to have to do this the hard way.

He waltzed up to Allen, a huge grin plastered onto his face.

"Allen~don't you want a free hug?"

"Nuu. Gew eweey." (Translation: No. Go away.)

"Eew! Allen, don't talk with your mouth full!"

"Kunt halp eet. Eem eetng." (Translation: Can't help it. I'm eating.)

"Come on, it's just one hug…"

Allen swallowed his mouthful of food.

"Lavi, go away!"

"Not until I give you a free hug!"

"Not like people usually have to pay for your hugs, right?"

"Come on, just one hug, Moyashi-chan!"

That did it. Allen was pissed. He was _so_ not a beansprout.

_Clown Belt!_

A white belt of energy appeared, wrapping around Lavi, and throwing him out of the cafeteria window.

Allen turned back to his food, only to find that Link had eaten his mitarashi dango.

oOoOo

Kanda sat on the tatami floor of Training Room 3, meditating.

Meditation was supposed to shut out the noises of the outside world, and thus give him some peace.

This time, the sounds from the outside world were determined not to be shut out.

From somewhere in the direction of the cafeteria, he heard a loud crash of breaking glass.

_Just ignore it._

Five minutes later, the cry of 'Dark Boots Invocate!' reached his ears, from the direction of the rooms, most probably Lenalee's room, followed by an earsplitting shriek, and more breaking glass.

Kanda gritted his teeth.

_Just ignore it._

An agonized howl of 'You burnt my headband _and_ a corner of my signboard! How could you!' erupted from the Science labs a very short while later.

A vein began to throb in Kanda's temple.

_Ignore it…ignore it…just ignore it…_

Loud thumping footsteps were coming closer. Coupled with yells of 'Yuu-chan! Come out, come out, wherever you are!'

An anger mark began to grow on Kanda's forehead.

_Ignore it…_

The door burst open with a sound of splintering wood.

"There you are, Yuu-pon!"

Kanda's eyes flew open, and immediately dealt a death glare to the redhead, standing among the wreckage of the door, invocated Innocence in hand.

The redhead in question was wearing a ridiculous outfit comprising of white cardboard, with the words 'FREE HUGS HERE' written on it in lurid pink-and-purple paint

Kanda reached for Mugen.

"What are you doing here?"

"Trying to find you, of course! You know, you should have just remained in Room 7! It would have been so much easier to find you!"

"You destroyed it half an hour ago, remember?" (1)

"Oh…oh yeah."

Lavi's face lit up.

"But now I'm here, to give ya a free hug!"

A vein in Kanda's forehead throbbed violently.

Nobody, _nobody_, ever gave Kanda a hug. Unless number one, you had a death wish, or number two, you were General Tiedoll.

Even for Tiedoll, it was still very dangerous to hug Kanda.

"Do you have a death wish, baka usagi?"

"No."

"Then get lost."

Kanda hissed the last word venomously.

Lavi, it seemed, didn't get the message.

"Just one hug, Yuu-chan?"

_Ignore it…_

"Come on, you're gay, it should be fine, right?" (2)

"Mugen, invocate."

He ran his finger down the black blade, now shining with an eerie blue light.

_Kaichuu: Ichigen!_

Ghostly white insects flew out, chasing Lavi down the corridor, and far away.

Kanda sat down on the floor now strewn with debris from the door.

"Che."

oOoOo

Komui was livid.

_How dare that redheaded bastard try to hug my precious Lenalee!_

He heard loud, clomping footsteps approaching his office.

The door burst open.

"Free hug, Komui!"

Komui smirked an evil smirk.

"No way! You, Lavi, are going to PAY for touching my precious Lenalee!"

He pressed a button on a remote in his hand.

A giant robot stomped out of the mass of papers.

"I await your command, Master."

Komui laughed maniacally.

"Get that redhead, Komurin X!"

The robot saluted, before chasing after Lavi.

Ten minutes later, a yell of 'Hi Ban!' was heard, as well as the distinct sound of the Komurin X spontaneously combusting.

oOoOo

At the end of the day, Lavi dragged his burnt, battered self to his room.

He pulled off the scorched cardboard sign, and looked at it disgustedly.

"Reminder to self: Never ask Reever for advice again."

oOoOo

(1) Reference to Chapter 1.

(2) Reference to Chapter 5.

Hope you enjoyed it! Please review, and go vote on the poll on my profile! Thanks!

I am going to end this story at 10 chapters, so the end is in sight! Please do contribute ideas!


	7. Lesson Seven

Thanks for all the reviews I got on the previous chapter! Also, I got quite a few requests not to stop at 10 chapters. So, I will try to write as many as possible, but you readers out there must help me by contributing ideas. Deal? Yeah.

This chapter is in response to some reviews I got begging me to feature the Noahs.

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Lesson 7: Being a dentist is a very dangerous job.

Road sat on a swing, sucking a lollipop.

The hand that was not holding the round sweet was clutching an umbrella in a death grip, and banging it against the pole supports of the swing.

"Eee! Road-tama, it hurts-lero!"

"But it's fun!"

Road continued to bang Lero against the swing pole, until…

"My tooth hurts!"

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Doctor Smith stared at the fat man clutching a pink umbrella, and his seven 'children' of varying ages.

The fat man, the Earl of Millennium in disguise, grinned at the dentist.

"I would like you to treat all my little children, please."

The dentist paled visibly.

"All…all of them, sir?"

"Yup!"

The dentist stared at the seven in front of him.

Road Kamelot. A little girl in a poofy dress, with spiky hair. She was sucking a lollipop, despite the strict, unspoken rule that one must never eat sweets in front of a dentist.

Skin Boric. A huge gorilla of a man, wearing a heavy overcoat and staring at Road's lollipop, oblivious to the drool dripping down his chin.

Tyki Mikk. Sprawled in one of the chairs in the waiting room, he shuffled a pack of cards, cigarette in mouth.

Lulubell. A businesslike woman with blond hair and sunglasses, pointedly ignoring her other 'siblings'.

Cyril Kamelot. Fawning over that Road with such a stupid, sickly face. He even had the gall to offer her a huge bag of sweets _in a dentist's office_.

Then there were the twins. Jasdero and David. One a female with a stitched-up mouth and riotous yellow hair, the other a male with black hair. They pointed golden revolvers at each other's heads.

Doctor Smith blinked. Maybe he should have listened to his receptionist when she told him to go to Hawaii. At least in Hawaii he wouldn't be confronted with seven delinquents.

But they were here. And there was no turning back. He had to treat them.

He just hoped the pay was worth it.

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He treated Road first. He pried open her mouth, and was disgusted to find two cavities. Thankfully, they were small enough to be filled.

Tyki, Lulubell, and Cyril all had no problems.

Doctor Smith was beginning to feel positive. Maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't be so bad after all.

Jasdero and David were fine, too.

Now, the dentist was feeling rather happy. _One more to go! One more until this nightmare is over!_

Unfortunately, he spoke (or rather, thought) too soon.

Skin Boric got onto the chair, almost breaking it in the process, and opened his huge maw.

What Doctor Smith saw in there was enough to give him terror-filled nightmares for many weeks to come.

Skin's mouth was full of cavities. Not just cavities like Road's. Cavities that required the teeth to be extracted. Unfortunately, that meant that Skin would be drinking nothing but porridge from now on.

Doctor Smith broke the news not-very-tactfully to his grunting patient.

Seconds later, he found a thick hand gripping his throat.

"I. Want. To. Eat. My. Sweets."

The dentist panicked.

"Alright, alright! I can…uh…give you false teeth! Uh…I just need to extract your teeth first…"

"I. Like. My. Teeth. You. No. Take. My. Teeth."

"Butbutbut…you've got cavi-"

"I. Don't. Care."

He squeezed harder, intending to prove his point.

He totally did not expect the man to go limp in his grip.

He stared at the motionless man he had dropped to the floor.

"Oops. Me thinks me killed him."

The Earl sighed.

"Oh well~we'll still pay him, just in case~"

He dropped a ten-dollar-bill onto the body on the floor, and waltzed out.

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*Sighs* This was weird. I never really tried writing the Noahs before. Thus, they are very OOC. Sorry about that.

I know Skin died. But nevermind, I shall pretend this one happened before any of the Noahs died.

Please review! And vote on my poll!


	8. Lesson Eight

Sorry for the long wait, everyone! I've been busy with exams, and a story I write on my class blog. But here is the next chapter! Enjoy!

Credits go to **Diclonious57** (did I spell your name correctly?), who has asked me to feature Daisya/Chaoji from the Tiedoll family.

Oh, also, please go review on my new -Man story, **Firebird**!

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Lesson 8: Football is dangerous. Very, very dangerous.

Daisya Barry liked football. It was a perfectly healthy obsession, football. He didn't need to harm anybody (like Kanda did), it didn't put him at risk of getting yelled at (like Tiedoll when Kanda yells at him for stopping during missions to doodle). All he had to do was buy popcorn, find an arena, and cheer his team on.

Yes, it was a very harmless hobby.

And today being his day off, he had dragged Kanda, Marie, and the General out to watch football.

He had gone rather early, to get good seats before the arena filled up. Lounging on one of the hard wooden seats, he watched lazily as the seats gradually filled up. To his right, General Tiedoll had taken out his sketchpad and was drawing the clouds above. To his left, Kanda was scowling, trying to shut out all the noise by meditating. Behind him, Marie was wincing, his ultra-sensitive hearing causing him to hear the ruckus in the arena several times as loud.

Finally, the game began. Daisya grinned, and crammed some popcorn into his mouth.

The players ran around on the field, kicking the ball. The man sitting behind Kanda leaned forwards, in an effort to get a better view.

Kanda whipped around, smacking Daisya in the face with his ponytail in the process.

"Get your smelly feet of me, _teme_."

"What was that, girly boy?"

Daisya groaned. Kanda was already causing trouble. He was fighting. With a big beefy man who reeked of alcohol, no less.

"Kanda…this is a _public place_. No fighting."

"Shut up, Marie."

"You should listen to what Maa-kun says, _Yuu-kun_."

"You shut up too. And don't call me that."

Daisya sighed. Bickering was never good, especially when it involved Kanda. Or a big beefy drunkard.

God forbid a brawl between Kanda _and_ a big beefy drunkard.

Unfortunately, whichever god Daisya was praying to was out for lunch. (1)

"Oi, kiddo. Ya ignorin' me?"

"…"

"Answer."

"…"

The big, beefy drunkard bopped Kanda on the head.

Kanda growled, and reached for Mugen.

"Kanda!" Daisya hissed furiously. "No fighting!"

The drunkard sneered again.

"Ya a coward, _girly-face_?"

Marie winced. Never call Kanda a coward. And woe to those who hint upon his feminine looks.

Mugen slid out an inch or so from its sheath.

"Kanda!" Daisya wailed. "They'll kick us out if we fight!"

Kanda ignored him. Intent upon killing the nuisance who had dared to insulted him.

Tiedoll grabbed Kanda's arm.

"No fighting, _Yuu-kun_."

"Shaddap!"

"You shut up."

"I need to kill him!"

"No you don't."

"Lemme go!"

Kanda began brandishing Mugen around, unintentionally giving the big beefy drunkard a cut on the cheek.

"GWARGH! You cut me! Unforgivable!"

With that, the fury of the big beefy drunkard descended upon Kanda and friends.

Needless to say, the five of them were all chucked out of the arena.

After that, Daisya never ever brought his adoptive family along to watch football.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

(1) Not meant to insult any religion. Which is why the word 'god' does not have a capital 'g'.

This chapter took me so long. Mainly because I'm not used to working with the Tiedoll crew, with exception of Kanda. And because I didn't like football to begin with. But whatever. This chapter is out! Yay!

Please continue with all your suggestions, kay? I really appreciate them!


	9. Lesson Nine

Yay! I'm so happy for all the reviews I got!

A slice of strawberry cheesecake for my 40th reviewer, **Pink Sensei of Despair13**!

A nice big brownie for my 50th reviewer, **Luna X Lavi**!

Credits for this chapter go to **Kiarra-chan**, who has provided me with yet another great suggestion! You get a Coke float!

Also thanks to **AngelicDemon97**, who has requested an Allen vs Kanda brawl, and Lenalee involvement. You get a root beer float!

A/N: For this story, let's assume they had 'Sesame Street' back in that era.

Please, please, please go review on my latest -Man story, '**Firebird**'! If you do, I'll give you a cookie (or five)!

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Lesson 9: Buying in bulk doesn't always help. Sometimes, it just makes things worse.

Komui was upset.

The entire Science Department had decided that it was Komui learnt the meaning of 'Do Your Paperwork'. They had ganged up on him and…

…confiscated his rubber duckie.

Now, Komui loved his rubber duckie. He would spend whatever time he didn't spend whining about his little sister 'growing up', in the bathroom, watching Ernie from Sesame Street. He loved Ernie. Ernie was the only person (technically, monster) he knew who loved rubber duckies as much as he himself did. He'd even memorized all of Ernie's songs.

So when he'd found out that the Science Department had kidnapped his rubber duckie, he was furious. He was enraged.

_He wanted his rubber duckie back._

Incidentally, two days after the abduction of his rubber duckie, the store in the nearest town had a sale. And, would you believe it, the item on 90% discount was the rubber duckie.

Komui, being the paranoid guy that he was, went and bought the store's entire stock of rubber duckies, just to ensure that if the nasty Science Department decided to pull that trick again, he'd be prepared.

And that's where all the trouble started…

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Allen and Kanda had stumbled across the massive rubber duckie stash in the cupboard next to the cafeteria at different times. However, the evil idea that the rubbie duckies had sparked in their minds was the same.

Early one Friday morning, Kanda entered a suspiciously quiet cafeteria. All the Finders and Exorcists gathered there took one look at him, and burst into laughter.

He scowled.

Why were they laughing at him?

After scaring five Finders and nearly decapitating eight, he still couldn't figure out why he had become a walking source of entertainment.

Grumpy, he stormed up to Jerry's counter and ordered his soba.

Jerry sighed. Overexposure to killing intent was bad for your health. So, he tried calming Kanda down by showing him the reason why everyone was laughing.

"Kanda, turn around."

Kanda whipped around.

Mission Calm-Kanda-Down: Epic Fail.

Kanda was now practically quivering with rage, as he looked at the lone rubber duckie wearing a ponytail, fastened on the pillar.

It was at a height of 168 cm from the ground.

The exact height of one Allen Walker.

"MOYASHI!"

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A few days later, Allen skipped into the cafeteria for his tea-time snack – fifteen plates of mitarashi dango.

There was a yellow _something_ glued onto his usual seat.

A rubber duckie, with its head dipped into white paint (supposedly to represent white hair), and a red left wing.

Attached to its right wing was a sign that read 'Stupid Sprout!'.

Allen scowled.

"I don't look like a duck."

Only one person could have done this.

"KANDAAAAAAAA!"

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

And so, the Rubber Duckie War begin.

Ducks, painted to resemble the two warring parties, appeared everywhere.

In the training rooms. In the Science Department. In the front hall. In the men's bath area.

One day, Kanda walked up from training to find a Kanda-duckie nailed onto his room door.

The next day, Allen found that his pack of cards had been replaced by a pack of plain white cards emblazoned with Allen-duckies where the numbers usually were.

As the war dragged on, Order members began to fear for their lives. If they were found by either Kanda or Allen with anything yellow, they were immediately accused of being the opposing party's secret ally. Allen would snatch the yellow item and flush it down the toilet. Kanda would beat the person up, take twenty years off his lifespan, and _then_ snatch the yellow item and flush it down the toilet.

This was extremely inconvenient for Reever, who survived on lemon soda. After having five consecutive cups of his favourite bubbly drink wrestled away from him and sucked into the sewers, he was annoyed.

He switched to Sprite, but after a while, Johnny kept mistaking it for water and got bubbles up his nose.

Timcanpy, having read his master's feelings very well, had gone into hiding. Lavi presumed him M.I.A, though some whispered that he was, in fact, hiding in Komui's beret.

At last, Lenalee grew fed up of this constant feuding. After a three-day search, she finally found the stock of rubber duckies. She took them all, and dumped them where neither Allen nor Kanda would think to search.

The women's bath area.

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Some reference to the -Man omakes here.

Thanks for all your support so far!


	10. Lesson Ten

Woah. Over sixty reviews! I'm so happy. A lollipop for my 60th reviewer, **Chocolate and caramel**.

Credits for this chapter go to **Shoten Shinzui**, who asked me to feature Lavi being pounded to the ground by Allen and Kanda, and **Arigato 8D**, who asked me to feature Lavi schooling Timothy in the art of pranking. Cookies for the both of you!

Please, please, go review on my other -Man story, **Firebird**! Please?

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Lesson 10: Pranking. A dangerous pastime.

Lavi sat cross-legged on a chair in the library, a sheet of paper spread on the table in front of him. Across the table sat Timothy, the newest Exorcist.

"Okay," said Lavi, taking out a pointer and jabbing at the paper, pointing at its heading, which read _"Basic Rules of Pranking"_.

"Firstly, pranking is seen by many professionals as a way of life. To some, pranking _is_ their life. It's up to you how you wish to see it. But first, every pranker needs to know the basic rules of pranking."

Timothy nodded, soaking in every word.

"So, rule number one…"

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A week after the intensive pranking lessons, Lavi let loose his greatest prank ever- Timothy.

Life at the Order would never be the same again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………It all started on a Monday. It was raining, and Komurin had wrecked havoc upon the Order two nights back. The damage done was still prominent. Nobody could use the training rooms, and some of their own rooms had been smashed.

And so, Allen and Kanda found themselves glaring at each other in a room that the Science Division had managed to salvage. Kanda sipped his green tea. Allen glugged his apple juice. The solitary ceiling fan whirred overhead, the continuous noise blending into the sound of the rain.

Unnoticed by the two, a few radio-controlled golems had flown into the room.

The small shadowy figure in an unknown place pressed a fat red button on a remote control. At once, the golems in the room, began sprinkling glitter onto the unsuspecting pair.

Not just any glitter. Colourful, sparkly circles of foil about 2cm in diameter, applied with a heat-reactive adhesive.

Kanda and Allen spent the rest of the day looking like walking Christmas trees.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….....

Yet another day, Kanda awoke from deep meditation to find that Mugen was no longer by his side. After a brief search, he found it displayed in the main hallway for all to see.

Some death-seeking person had seen fit to decorate Mugen with pink ribbons, flowers, and lace. Lots and lots of lace.

Kanda was beyond outraged.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Three days later, Allen walked into the cafeteria, only to find it plastered with huge white posters, all with the same caption.

"Beansprout day. Get your healthy dose of beansprout-related foods at the cafeteria today! No other foods will be served."

There was even a picture of a small white thing that looked _suspiciously_ like him being held with a pair of chopsticks.

Allen screamed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Of course, Allen and Kanda came to a conclusion. Knowing that Lavi liked to prank people, and having had past experience with his pranks before, they knew these pranks were his style.

So after the fifth prank, Allen and Kanda called a temporary truce, and set out with one objective in mind.

Obliterate the nuisance known as Lavi.

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A terrified scream rang out from somewhere near the library.

"WHY AM I WEARING A PINK FLUFFY DRESS?!"

Holed up somewhere else, Allen snickered. It was Lavi's fault really.

Thank goodness Lavi was a deep sleeper.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

As Lavi left the library, desperate to change before anyone saw him in the monstrosity of a dress, he ran into someone. Looking up, he saw a scowl and a solitary ponytail.

"Usagi…" growled Kanda.

And thus began the game of chase-Lavi-around-the-Order-with-Mugen.

Of course, everybody saw Lavi in the dress.

The newly-dubbed 'Princess Lavi' never lived down the shame.

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Review?


	11. Lesson Eleven

For reviewer number 70, **kame-the-turtle**, I present a giant chocolate donut!

Credits for this chapter go to **Luna X Lavi**, who wanted someone to teach Kanda how to be nice.

As always, read and review!

Also, this part is becoming a ritual as well. Please review my other -Man story, **Firebird**!

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Lesson 11: Beware of nine-year-old girls when they try to teach you manners.

Lenalee was annoyed. Not at the world in general, but with a certain eleven-year-old Japanese boy who had arrived a year ago. Everybody bemoaned his cold demeanour and rudeness. Lenalee herself was no exception.

Therefore, it was her dream to achieve the impossible. Tame Kanda Yuu and teach him manners.

However, to a nine-year-old, there was no 'impossible'.

And thus, Lenalee turned her mind to her new mission.

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Of course, Lenalee knew full well that Kanda might not take nicely to a young girl like her telling him to come to her room. So she enlisted the help of General Tuedoll, who was in the Order for a short break from missions.

After she had explained her objective, he had very happily agreed to assist her in her efforts to make his 'little son' more gentlemanly.

And so, one fine Monday morning, Kanda Yuu found himself being dragged through the corridors by his surrogate father figure.

"Let go!"

"Maa, _Yuu-kun_, be nice. It's not very often that someone as nice as Lenalee-chan wants to play with you."

"Don't call me that!"

Tiedoll dodged the feeble punch his apprentice threw at him with the ease of long practice.

Finally, they stopped outside a door, and Tiedoll knocked, releasing Kanda's ear in the process.

"Old man, next time, don't drag me by the ear!"

Kanda got up, scowling, and rubbed his red ear.

The door opened, and Lenalee poked her head out.

"Ah, General Tiedoll!"

Tiedoll smiled genially.

"Take care of Yuu-kun, okay?"

With that, he dumped Kanda unceremoniously at Lenalee's feet.

"I'll be back at 9 tonight!"

He gave a cheery wave, and walked off.

The glint in Lenalee's eyes sparkled when she turned to Kanda.

"Lesson time."

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Two hours later, Kanda was itching for his precious Mugen. Unfortunately, Mugen had been pried away by Tiedoll before he had left.

_Stupid Master._

He glared at the play-table he was sitting at.

"Now, Kanda," said Lenalee, sitting opposite him. "When you lift the cup, use your first three fingers, and stick out your pinky."

He muttered something inaudible. Playing teatime was not a nice way for a boy to spend his day. Already, he had been forced into a _pink_ and _frilly_ tuxedo jacket, and made to sit on a tiny _pink_ chair. Surrounding the table were stuffed toys, all with empty teacups in front of them.

He hated those stuffed toys. At least _they_ didn't have to go through the torture like him.

Lenalee frowned at his refusal to pick up the teacup.

"Kanda! Sip the tea now! And sip it like a _gentleman_!"

Kanda's scowl deepened.

"But there's no _tea_ in the stupid cup," he muttered.

He felt something hard connect with his head. Lenalee stood next to him, radiating the full wrath of a nine-year-old.

She was holding a clipboard.

"Manners, Kanda!"

Kanda sighed inwardly. Stupid Master, leaving him here for 12 hours of torture.

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At nine-thirty that night, Tiedoll came to collect a worn-out Kanda.

He beamed at Lenalee.

"Would you like to play with Yuu-kun again this Wednesday?"

Lenalee smiled. The evil glint in her eyes was invisible to all but Kanda. He groaned, knowing what her answer would be.

"Wednesday would be perfect!"

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Seven years later, on April Fools' Day, Lavi and Lenalee decided to play a trick on the grumpy eighteen-year-old Japanese, to 'lighten him up'.

That night, Kanda returned from training, to find his room decorated with pink ribbons, frills and lace. In the middle sat a small pink toy table, complete with a pink-and-white plastic tea set and stuffed toys sitting around the table. Draped across his bed was a pink frilly tuxedo jacket.

Kanda's scream of mortification could be heard by everyone in the Order.


	12. Lesson Twelve

Thanks for the reviews! To reviewer #80, **chocolate and caramel**, I give an apple pie!

Credits for this chapter go to **kame-the-turtle**, who requested a Cross-related chapter.

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Lesson 12: Getting drunk is very dangerous for your reputation.

Cross Marian was back at the Order, having been dragged there by Team Cross. He had wanted to drink with Klaud, but she flatly refused. So now, he was drinking by himself in his room, the window open, empty bottles scattered all around him, and the wine glass tipping dangerously in his hand.

Cross Marian was drunk. Very drunk.

As he snored on his sofa, dead to the world, a certain rabbit was peeking through the open window, clutching a bottle of quick-dry temporary adhesive and something golden, sniggering.

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Cross groaned as he woke up groggily with a hangover. Stumbling sleepily to his bathroom, he leant down to splash his face, and then looked up in the mirror. In his befuddled state, he wasn't exactly thinking clearly, but he could sense there was something wrong.

Splashing his face a few more times, he examined himself in the mirror again, only to leap backwards in shock.

Somebody had glued a golden wig to his head, covering his red hair. Not just any golden wig. One that reached his midback, and had huge ringlets. Plus, it had a pair of huge white bunny ears on top.

An enraged yell erupted from Cross Marian's room.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

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Allen frowned up at his master. He was the only one that Cross had told about his current predicament, mainly because Allen was too scared of Cross to reveal his new appearance.

"Do you happen to know anything about this at all, useless apprentice?"

Allen thought hard.

"Well…come to think of it, I think I saw Komui holding something golded and fluffy. He was rushing to his office, too…" Here he trailed off.

Cross' face was purple with rage.

"Why…that…"

He ran out the door.

Allen laughed softly, and connected Timcanpy to another golem.

"Hey, Lavi. It's Allen. Master's on the move, heading towards Komui's office."

"Gotcha."

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Lavi crouched in a corner of Komui's office, hidden by piles of undone paperwork.

"Hey, Komui!"

The Chinese man looked up.

"Moyashi says that Cross is heading here. Proceed with Plan A Part 4."

Komui nodded.

Lavi grinned to himself. This had got to be the best prank he'd ever played, with even Kanda involved. If only Cross knew what was going to happen to him…

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Kanda closed his eyes, and leaned back against the wall next to the door to Komui's office. He heard loud stomping footsteps coming his way. Opening his eyes, he saw a blonde Cross with ringlets and bunny ears, rounding the corner of the corridor about fifty metres away.

He grabbed his golem.

"Oi, baka usagi. He's here. Should be reaching the door in ten seconds."

A cheer sounded on the other end. Sighing, Kanda hung up.

"After this, that baka usagi better give me back my Mugen or else…"

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Cross charged up the corridor, too blinded by fury to even care how many people saw him. Since he was running so quickly, most people only saw a gold-and-black blur that stank of alcohol, anyway.

He rounded the bend, and spotted the door to Komui's office. Kanda was leaning against it, looking as though he was sleeping. Cross saw him open his eyes, speak into a golem, and then close them again. He dismissed it as nothing important, thinking that perhaps Tiedoll was on the line.

He threw open the door.

"Komui," he growled. "What is the meaning of this-"

He was cut off, as a blinding white flash temporarily distracted him. He blinked stupidly, trying to clear the spots from his vision.

"Eh?"

Komui grinned like a maniac, waving the Polaroid of Cross that he had just taken.

"Nyaa~Barging into people's rooms without permission is very rude, General Cross!"

A vein throbbed in Cross' forehead.

"Give me that Polaroid."

"Never~!"

Cross scowled, and reached into his pocket for Judgment.

_Clown Belt!_

A white rope of energy shot out, binding his arms tightly to his body. Allen smirked down at him.

"Guess what, Master? You've been had!"

The apprentice Bookman came out from behind the piles of paperwork, clutching a needle.

"The Panda taught me how ta do this…hope I remember it correctly!"

He jabbed the needle into Cross' neck. Cross' eyes rolled up into his head, and he didn't move.

"Eh…Lavi…what exactly did you do to him…?"

"Hmm? Oh, I hit a pressure point. He'll wake up tomorrow in the hospital wing with sore limbs."

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True to Lavi's word, Cross did wake up the next day with sore limbs. He washed his face in the toilet of the hospital wing. As he looked up at the mirror, he realized that the horrendous wig was gone. Maybe the glue had worn off or something.

As he snuck out of the hospital wing to the cafeteria, he realized why the pranksters had removed the wig. It wasn't because they were being kind to him. It was because they didn't need the wig anymore.

Plastered on the walls of the corridors, as well as the cafeteria, were copies of the offending Polaroid. Below each read a caption in obnoxious pink curly writing:

"General Cross, Bunny Princess."

Cross face-faulted. There went his reputation.

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About the Polaroids…let's just say that they existed then. Just for this story.

Please review!

And review **Firebird** as well!


	13. Lesson Thirteen

I am so sorry for the long wait. I had writer's block for this story, plus the fact that it's exam time now. But never mind. This chapter has made it out.

Reviewer #90: **liledormouse**! I give you a BLT sandwich.

Credits for this chapter go to **Kiarra-chan**!

**Announcement:** You can now request stories! Go to my profile to find out more. :)

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Lesson Thirteen: Never anger the cat.

Road Kamelot was bored. The Earl wasn't plotting, she couldn't go out and kill someone, and Lero was hiding somewhere.

She opened the sliding door to the balcony.

"Tyki."

Tyki looked up from where he had been lying on the chair, smoking.

"Oh, Road? What is it?"

"I'm bored."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Play with me, Tyki!"

Tyki thought back to the last time he had been forced to 'play' with Road. She had tied him to a chair and made him play teatime with two decapitated Barbie dolls and an amputee teddy bear.

"Never."

Road pouted petulantly.

"Tyki!"

"I said no. Go bother someone else."

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Road peeked into the kitchen.

"Skin? Can you play with me?"

Skin turned around, and grunted through a mouthful of macaroons, spewing pink-and-brown crumbs all over the floor, the fridge, and Road.

"Ew! Skin!"

"Are there sweet things in your room? If there are, I'll come."

Carefully, Road wiped her face clean of strawberry and chocolate-flavoured crumbs. Actually, she had a slice of chocolate cake in her room, but after seeing Skin's ability to retain food in his mouth (or lack thereof), she decided that she wanted a clean, crumb-free room.

"Eh…never mind."

She closed the kitchen door, and headed to the bathroom.

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Road sat on the windowsill, kicking her legs. She hadn't been able to find anyone else to bother. Jasdero and Devitto were nowhere to be seen, and she didn't think Lulubell would be capable of playing.

"Heya, Road. Wat'cha doin'?"

"Being bored."

It was Jasdero and Devitto, coming up to her with cat-like grins on their faces.

"Really? That's good. We wanted to know if you'd join us in playing a prank."

Road's eyes lit up. Playing pranks on people was fun.

"Who?"

Jasdero grinned.

"Lulubell."

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Lulubell sighed. Master Earl had given her a day off, and she was enjoying it in the quiet garden, a glass of water in hand. Leaning back, she caught a faint whiff in the air.

Catnip.

_Very funny,_ she thought. _I'm not a cat._

Just as she thought that, a small sprig of catnip floated down, and landed on her lap.

"Nice try," she called up to the pranksters she knew were hiding in the tree. "You're rustling so much that everyone knows you're there. And I don't like catnip."

She thought she heard a very faint 'Shit!' coming from the tree, before she sensed a shadow over her. And before she could react, a whole truckload of green came crashing down on her. A humongous pile of catnip.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

After Lulubell had finally picked her way out of the mountain of catnip, she went indoors to get a new drink. When she yanked open the crumb-covered fridge door, she couldn't find the water. All she saw were bottles upon bottles of milk.

Scowling, she shut the fridge and opened the larder door, where she knew she had several bottles of water.

Somehow, the mysterious prankster had managed to vanish all her water. Ah, well. Milk it was.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Lulubell paused at her doorway.

"What. Is. This."

Strewn all over her once-neat floor were bits of kitty litter. A scratching post stood where her yoga mat once was, and there was a food bowl and a water bowl on the floor.

That was the last straw. Lulubell snapped. Wheeling around, she was about to head off in Tyki's direction to ask him if he knew anything. Unfortunately, as she walked out of her room, she tripped over a wire. A flap in the ceiling opened, and the next moment, Lulubell found herself tangled up in yards of fluffy, sparkly pink novelty yarn.

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"Tyki."

Tyki looked up from his book.

"Ah, Lulubell. You have catnip in your hair."

Lulubell scowled, and plucked the offending catnip off.

"Did you happen to see anyone running around with a big ball of pink yarn?"

Tyki frowned thoughtfully.

"Pink yarn…? Come to think of it, I never did find out why Road wanted to know if I knew where the Earl kept his knitting supplies…"

"Road?"

"Yeah. With Jasdero and Devitto. Why do you ask?"

Lulubell's eyes narrowed.

"Oh…those three are dead meat…"

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Jasdero opened his room door the next morning. Technically, it wasn't _his_ room, it belonged to him and Devitto.

Sitting at the doorstep was a large blue package, about the size of the giant yarn ball they had pilfered the day before.

"What's that?" asked Devitto curiously, peeking over Jasdero's shoulder.

Jasdero shrugged, and lifted the lid of the box. And then he jumped back with a startled yelp, landing on top of Devitto.

"Snakes!"

Indeed, four or five snakes had crawled out of the box, hissing menacingly.

"HELP!"

Standing somewhere in the shadows, Lulubell smirked.

_That'll teach you to anger me…_

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A/N: I felt this was pretty rushed…

If you didn't get it, 'kitty' in the lesson is Lulubell. Apparently, she can transform into a cat.

Review!


	14. Lesson Fourteen

I HAVE 100+ REVIEWS!!!!! Thank you to ALL my wonderful reviewers so far, and thanks for supporting me all the way. A frosted chocolate cupcake for every one of you.

To review #100, **wolfpup026,** congratulations! You get a nice big apple pie, plus one request. What would you like to see/which character(s) would you want to make an appearance in the next chapter? Please PM me/tell me in a review.

Credits for this chapter go to **wolfpup026** (as well), who asked for a Krory-related chapter.

You all can request stories! Go to my profile to find out more.

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Lesson Fourteen: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Literally.

A redheaded teenager walked down the hallways of the Black Order. He was bored, and Kanda and Allen were both on missions, which meant that he had lost his two best targets.

And then he remembered: There was still one newer member of the Black Order he hadn't pranked yet.

And so, Bookman Jr. started towards the cafeteria to gather some items, while plotting the Pranking of Arystar Krory.

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Krory was eating tea, which consisted of jam biscuits and a cup of coffee. When he saw Lavi walking in with a devious grin on his face, he ignored it and continued eating, dismissing it as normal behaviour.

But somewhere, at the back of his mind, he felt a nagging doubt. He had a hunch something big was about to happen. Something that involved noodles.

The very first time he ate noodles, it was when he was still very new to the Black Order. He had ordered the same thing as the person in front of him in the line. What he received was a wooden box with grey buckwheat noodles on top, called soba.

He had taken the noodles to be like the pasta he had seen Allen and Lavi eating before. The sauce that was served with the soba, he mistook for soup. So, he had slurped up his noodles, drank the sauce, and then popped the small squishy green lump on the side of his plate into his mouth. Big mistake.

The green lump had been wasabi.

After choking and spluttering, and feeling as if he were about to die, he had crawled back onto his feet from where he had fallen backwards off the bench. And then he sword never to eat noodles ever again.

Now, he still harboured a phobia of noodles. So when Lavi had strode into the cafeteria, grinning sneakily, and glanced in his direction, he shivered involuntarily. Something didn't seem right.

He got up to return his plate. By this time, Lavi had already disappeared. Pushing the nagging seed of doubt away, he turned to head out of the cafeteria. At the doorway, he tripped over a piece of wire stretched across the door, and fell down flat. His chin hit a loose board on the floor. The other end of the loose board jumped up to smack him in the face. Groaning, he sat up and rubbed his head.

Suddenly, he heard a hiss from above. Looking up, he saw a giant grey plastic container, seconds before it tipped. A giant mountain of yellow came crashing down on him, burying him in a hill of yellow stringy stuff.

Trapped under the mass of yellow, Krory began to panic.

_Noodles! It rained noodles!_

His phobia acted up, and he began hyperventilating. In the distance, he could hear Lavi's laugh fading away, as bootsteps clicked away down the corridor.

Breathing in again, quite deeply, he caught a sudden whiff of a sweet smell. Confused, he stopped hyperventilating. He sniffed again. Sure enough, the noodles were emitting a faint sweetish smell. Grabbing the noodle closest to him, he sniffed deeply. And then he gingerly bit an end off the noodle to confirm his suspicion.

He wasn't buried in a mountain of noodles. He was buried in a mountain of _gummy worms_.

Lavi was _so_ in for it.

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Two days later, Allen had returned from his mission, and was immediately enlisted by Krory to help him take revenge. And so, on a grubby sheet of paper, they began penciling out Operation: Revenge on Lavi.

Three days after his prank on Krory, Lavi had not suffered retaliation. As such, he was lured into a sense of security. It wasn't as if little Kuro-chan could come up with a way to outprank Lavi, the Prankster King, right?

Wrong.

Stopping outside his room door, he reached for the handle, and pushed it.

It was stuck.

Frowning, Lavi pushed again. Then he realized something. He could have mistaken this for his room. But then, he glanced at the number plate beside the door.

45-1. His room number.

Scowling, he began to beat his fists on the door, trying to knock it down. After a while, he gave up. Leaning his arm on the door, he rummaged around for his Innocence. He had just taken it out, and was about to use it to smash down the door when it was yanked open.

He wobbled, trying to gain his balance, and looked up into the scowling face of one Kanda Yuu.

"What," Kanda growled dangerously, "are you doing to my door, baka usagi?"

"N-nothing…" squeaked Lavi.

"Then get out of my sight."

Nodding hurriedly, Lavi ran down the hallway. Kanda had just come back from his mission, and was in his room. This was getting crazy.

As he turned a corner, he tripped over a piece of string stretched out across the hallway. He fell, face-up, onto the ground. Then he heard footsteps approaching.

He had enough time to look at the triumphant face of Krory, before his vision was obscured by a truckload of ice cubes.

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Krory looked at the igloo without an entrance that was once Lavi. Allen walked up to him, holding Kanda's room number plate.

"Did I overdo it?"

Allen shrugged.

"Nah. But it need something more. A final touch." His eyes lit up.

"That's it!"

He grabbed a ribbon from his pocket, and tied it around the peak of the ice hill in a pretty bow. Then he took the extra scarf he had filched from Lavi's bag, and tied it around as well. When he was done, he removed a marker from his bag and drew a smiling face.

"There! A female ice sculpture."

Turning to go, Krory and Allen headed to the cafeteria for lunch.

Beside the giant sculpture lay the bag the ice was previously contained in. The label stood out, white against the brown sack.

'_Komui's patented Komu-Ice: Freezes quickly, melts only after three days!'_

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Please review!


	15. Lesson Fifteen

Thank you for all the reviews! Reviewer #110, **kate4394**, gets a grilled cheese sandwich!

This chapter is a request by **wolfpup026**, as a reward for being reviewer #100. She asked for the appearance of Tyki and some other Noahs. So here it is! Another Noah chapter.

Just to say in advance: I have no knowledge of poker. All I know has been taken from Wikipedia. And to avoid confusion, I made them say the names of their hands in the same order each time.

Disclaimer: Don't own nothin'.

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Lesson Fifteen: Young children learn fast.

It was a hot, sticky summer day.

Road wandered up and down the hallways of the mansion, looking for something to do. After fifteen minutes of aimless ambling, she found herself outside the library. Opening the door, she peeked in to see Tyki, Jasdero, and Devitto sitting cross-legged on the library floor. Both Jasdero and Devitto had their jackets off.

"Hey, guys. What'cha doing?"

Jasdero glanced up at her.

"Playing poker. Hee!"

Road frowned.

"Why are your jackets off? You guys _never_ take your jackets off."

"It's strip poker," replied Tyki, never taking his eyes off his hand of cards.

Road's eyes lit up. A game of poker sounded fun.

"Can I play too?"

Tyki looked uncomfortable.

"But you…"

Road, mistaking Tyki's reply as 'You don't know how to play poker', smiled happily.

"That's okay! If you teach me how to play poker, I can play too!"

Tyki paled. He did _not_ want the Earl to come after him, asking why he had played strip poker with Road.

Road peered into his face, sensing his hesitance.

"Tyki," she whispered, so only he could hear, "you're being mean. If you don't let me play, I'll tell Skin that you took his bag of gummies and threw then into the koi pond."

"Like anyone would believe that."

"Skin's overprotective of his candy, remember?"

Tyki winced, remembering the time when Skin had smashed the dining table into two because his chocolates had expired, and thus he wasn't allowed to eat them. It had taken another month before an equally long, sturdy table had been found as a replacement. Tyki decided that he didn't want to risk Skin's wrath.

"Okay," he sighed.

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"…And then finally, there's the best set, the Royal Flush."

Road looked at the cards Tyki had fanned out, face-up, on the table.

"Got that all?"

Road nodded excitedly.

"Let's play!"

Jasdero laid a hand on his jacket.

"We're starting a new game, right? Hee!"

"Yes."

"Then," proclaimed Devitto, "we get to put out jackets back!"

Tyki flapped a hand boredly.

"Yeah, yeah."

He shuffled the cards, and began to deal them.

After five minutes, the round finished, and they fanned out their hand of cards.

"Two Pair!"

"Straight Flush."

"Three of a Kind. Hee!"

"Full House."

Devitto glared at Tyki's hand of cards.

"No fair. You won again!"

Tyki ignored him.

"Jasdero. Jacket off."

Jasdero scowled, removing his jacket. Tyki shuffled the cards, and redealt them.

"Straight!"

"Four of a Kind."

"Three of a Kind! Hee!"

"Full House."

Jasdero moaned, glancing at his losing hand.

"Jasdero. Left boot off."

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An hour later, they were well into their twentieth round. Jasdero had been booted off the game, Devitto only had his right earring left, and both Tyki and Road were playing with all their clothes on.

After they had revealed their cards, Devitto lost, an joined Jasdero on the sofa (not so) lovingly dubbed 'Loser Corner'.

Tyki sighed, and reshuffled the cards again.

"Hey, Road. Do you get the hang of it now?"

"Yeah! After playing for quite a while, I've started to improve!"

Tyki smiled thinly.

"Then this will be the last round. Poker's no fun with just two."

Jasdero leaned forward, eyes twinkling.

"Since it's the last round, what about the loser strip right down to their underwear in one go! Hee!"

Tyki choked, and started spluttering indignantly. Road pulled a face at him.

"Why not? Sounds fun."

Tyki recovered instantly from his choking fit, and raised an eyebrow.

"You sure? Nobody beats me at poker."

"Allen did."

"That boy is different. He cheated."

Road didn't reply, just grabbed the card pile and started dealing the cards.

When the game ended, Tyki turned his hand over smugly.

"Straight Flush. Beat that!"

"Wow…" Jasdero and Devitto ogled the hand of cards, which in their minds began to shine with giant shoujo sparkles. "Straight Flush, that's so hard to beat!"

Road sighed, and glanced at her hand.

"Then, I guess…"

She slapped down her hand suddenly, eyes glowing triumphantly.

"Royal Flush!"

Tyki was stunned.

"What…but how…?"

Road shrugged.

"Allen cheats. Who says I can't? Besides, Devitto and Jasdero made so many blatant attempts at cheating, and you cheated too. I just copied your techniques, and refined them."

She leaned over, and poked the face of a stunned Tyki.

"So there."

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If you guys wanted me to write in Tyki stripping as well, sorry to disappoint you.

Please review!


	16. Lesson Sixteen

To the 120th reviewer, **xTincampi**, congratulations! You get a scoop of Rocky Road ice-cream!

This chapter was just a random idea that kept floating around in my head, so I decided to give it a shot.

Whatever cartoon/movie characters mentioned here do NOT belong to me. And because the DGM manga was obviously not set in this day and age, this chapter is majorly AU.

Disclaimer: I tried to buy DGM. I really did. But even one copy of the manga itself was half my allowance. I couldn't afford the whole thing.

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Lesson Sixteen: Pick your own Halloween costumes.

It was the day before Halloween. Komui had organized a party in the cafeteria for Halloween night, and had left the duty of advertising it to the resident rabbit.

So Lavi had chosen the best time to promote the party: Breakfast.

While the entire of the Black Order sat at various benches, energizing themselves with the most important meal of the day, Lavi had climber on top of a stack of tables, megaphone in hand.

"Hey, everyone!" he yelled. "We're organizing a Halloween party tomorrow night, and it's compulsory for everyone to attend! Komui's gonna send Komurin after those who don't turn up. And you hafta wear costumes!"

After he had yelled the last bit, the chatter in the cafeteria ceased. From the silence arose a groan, courtesy of one alcoholic, lazy redhead.

"Man, must we?"

Lavi nodded enthusiastically.

"It's too troublesome…can't you just go and pick out something for us?" called out a random voice from the crowd.

Lavi stopped in the middle of his rant to Cross about the Importance of Being Dressed up for Halloween, and turned to face the general direction of the Voice that had Spoken. An evil glint lit up in his eye.

"Why, of course! It would be my pleasure to."

Cross realized their impending doom, two seconds late.

"Shit! No, erm…we'll…pick our own!"

Lavi tutted.

"Nu-uh, General Cross! No going back on your word~! I'll get the costumes ready, then, and I expect everybody to be down here for fitting and preparation at 2pm SHARP! Is that understood?"

Moans rose from the gathered.

"That's not an answer~" Lavi sing-songed happily. "All ye who don't turn up will have their rooms utterly destructed by the new-and-improved Komurin VIII!"

More groans. Lavi took this as assent, and leapt gracefully off the stack of tables to prepare for the doom that was to befall his unfortunate colleagues.

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The next afternoon, everybody reported at the cafeteria, mostly scared at the prospect of having their rooms destroyed. Kanda had come because his lotus flower was in his room. If the lotus got destroyed, poof! He'd die. (Or get turned into Coco Crunch.) Cross was petrified at the thought of Komui's robot going anywhere within a 10-metre radius of his alcohol, so he had no choice but to turn up as well. Other than them, the others had mostly turned up willingly.

"Okay!" announced Lavi, gesturing to the pile of paper bags behind him. "All of you come up when I call your name, and I'll give you your costume."

And so, fittings began.

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Lenalee walked out of the fitting area an hour later, fiddling with her cyan-blue wig. Lavi tossed her a headset which she donned, before heading to the area where the finished ones were.

"Hello, Allen-kun," she greeted the sullen-looking boy clad in a traditional Japanese outfit. He looked up.

"Hey, Lenalee. Who are you supposed to be?"

Lenalee looked down at her grey-and-cyan costume.

"Someone called Hatsune Miku. What about you?"

Allen scowled, poking at his hair, that had been gelled into spikes.

"Apparently this guy's called Hitsugaya Toushiro. That idiot Lavi said that he was perfect for me because we were both short."

He then jerked his thumb behind him.

"Kanda's sulking over there. Lavi made him dress up as a _girl_. I kind of pity him."

Indeed, Kanda sat in a corner, lowering the temperature in his emo area by 10 degrees. He had a blonde wig, a tube top, and shorts. Lenalee sighed, as Allen continued.

"Apparently, he's this person called Winry Rockbell who goes around hitting people with a wrench. Personally, I don't see why he's sulking. At least _he_ has a weapon. Lavi wouldn't give me the sword that came with my costume."

Allen sniffed grumpily, and began to introduce Lenalee to the rest of the people already in costume. Chaoji was Captain Hook; Krory was someone called Kaname Kuran (who had floppy hair); Miranda was dressed as some…_thing_…(Lavi said it was a Pokemon…whatever that was) called Bonsly, which was supposed to do nothing but cry most of the time; and General Klaud was Shihouin Yoruichi, a purple-haired woman who could turn into a cat. On her shoulder sat a disgruntled Lau Shimin, a pair of black cat ears perched on his head after being forced on by a manic redhead.

A muffled moan was heard as General Tiedoll was tossed out of the changing room, wearing a purple fatsuit with green spots. Lenalee shrieked in horror, and he grinned ruefully.

"Heh. I'm meant to be Barney the Dinosaur, but the head's just too suffocating."

Allen face-faulted, and was about to head over to a wall to begin bashing his head when a _very_ feminine scream erupted from the changing room.

"Nuuuuuuu! I _refuse_ to wear that!"

"But you're already wearing it," chuckled Lavi.

All heads turned as one Cross Marian was kicked out of the changing room. They stared. And stared. Then, in sync, they laughed.

For Cross Marian was clad in a puffy-sleeved pink balldress with lace and frills. Perched atop his head was a ridiculously long blonde wig. The blonde braid reached down to the floor, and had roses intertwined with it. It seemed that the prank on him had not been forgotten.

Lavi came out grinning.

"Yeah, General Cross, I always thought you'd be a _terrific_ Rapunzel. In fact, a lot of your costumes were catered to your personalities or looks. Like you see Yuu-chan? He looks like a girl, so he became one…"

He trailed off when a giant mass of killing intent sped out from emo corner and hit him. Kanda stood up, wrench in hand, and glared at the rapidly-paling Lavi.

"Say. That. Again."

Lavi screamed, and fled, followed by a blonde blur, a pink blur, and a white blur, all screaming for his execution.

Lenalee sighed resignedly. Another normal day at the Black Order.

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**A/N:** Yeah, lousy chapter. I know. Could you help by giving me more suggestions?

Okay, for those who don't know:

Hatsune Miku is from Vocaloid.

Hitsugaya Toushirou and Shihouin Yoruichi are from Bleach.

Winry Rockbell is from FullMetal Alchemist.

Captain Hook is from Peter Pan.

Kaname Kuran is from Vampire Knight.

Bonsly is a Pokemon.

Barney is a dinosaur with no imagination and an ugly face.

Rapunzel is…Rapunzel. You should know Rapunzel…right?

**Please review!**


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